In The Shadows Of My Mind
by The Apologetic Truth
Summary: This world is so cold... there's blood on my hands.


I do not own any of the characters or anything related to Bleach

In The Shadows Of My Mind

This world is so cold… there's blood on my hands. What is this hell? I know you feel it too. This uncertainty of who I've become chills me to the bone. The heart and soul of the city beats on, no matter what I do or say. My shadow is my only friend. But even my shadow cannot be found without a guiding light. How did I stray so far? No amount of sin could save me now.

This is my final cry. I look at your dying body as I clutch the knife I plunged into your stomach just seconds ago. You're lying on the ground, spewing blood and gasping for air as you slowly depart from this life. You were the only person in this cruel, unforgiving world I ever loved. You believed in me, you challenged me, and you loved me unconditionally. But you also questioned me, you were suspicious, and you tried to change me. And for that… you had to die.

I enjoyed our time together, but I couldn't stop the demon from surfacing within me. It didn't start off as hatred… it began as insecurity and slowly festered into animosity. I didn't deserve you, but you insisted that there was good in me. I guess you were more naive then I first thought. Your demise was trusting a pretty face, which incidentally will be the last face you ever see. I feel a shaky hand grab my free arm and I look down at you. Your body is screaming in pain, but your eyes display confusion.

I grin and inch the knife deeper into your body. I feel you tense and arch your back. The blood slowly spills over my fist as my grip loosens. Our eyes remain locked as I feel the guilt creep into the shadowy depths of my mind. I knew I was hurting you, but for some twisted reason, I didn't care. I hated the fact that I was relishing the moment. My brow crinkles and my eyes soften as I realize what has transpired. You are dying, but the worst thing is that I'm angry. Not because of what I had done, but because you are bleeding on me.

I snarl and twist the knife and you writhe in pain. To your credit, you hadn't given as much as a whimper, even though I know you wanted to. Your blood is everywhere now and I can feel it pooling underneath us. It feels warm and you feel cold. _Any minute now_, I thought. My eyes drift to your neck, they widen when I see the amulet I gave you on our one year anniversary. Our eyes meet, and there I search frantically for a reason as to why on earth you would keep such a thing.

You were a classy woman, one who enjoyed only the finer things in life. I was a poor vagrant, barely getting by with nothing to spare. How we ended up together is but a mystery to me at the very least. I recall the day I gave you the necklace. I had been slaving myself to the bone trying to make it. I had no money, but wanted to give you something that symbolized my love for you. It took me months to craft it into something that barely passed as jewelry. When you opened my gift, I was expecting you to throw it back in my face… but you didn't. You wore it with pride and refused to take it off. This made me angry, why were you mocking me so?

After all the horrible things I put you through you were never compelled to take it off. Were you still mocking me? Were you trying to make me feel remorse? I reach out and snatch it from your neck. Your eyes plead me to return it, but I do not. I turn it over in my hand and notice something I've never seen before. An inscription on the back reads, "You may feel lost, but I can see your path. I will not give up on you."

I gasp when I feel your arms wrap around my neck. Feeling that I'm about to be choked, I pull out the knife sticking out of your side and get ready to strike it back into your ribs. I freeze; you're not choking me, you're hugging me. Even now, after all this, you show me love and kindness. Why? How can someone like you see a person of worth inside me? Why can't you be like the rest of the world and cast me aside and hate me for what I am?

I hear you mumble something in my ear; your words are incoherent. I feel you swallow and breathe, "I… I forgive you," your grip tightens around my neck and I have to suppress the urge to stab you again. Instead, I drop the knife and hug you back. Tears stream down my cheek slowly at first, but then escalate into racking sobs as my body shakes violently.

We sit like that for a few moments, until I finally calm down. I feel something inside me click, and it wasn't until now that I realize what I had done. How do I even begin to explain myself this time? How do I tell you that I thought I was having an awful nightmare for the past year? I felt like I was wandering aimlessly throughout this world, seeing life through someone else's eyes.

In my moment of clarity I find it imperative to apologize, but I can't find the words. I hold your dying body close to me, afraid to let go; afraid to be alone. "I'm cold," you whisper. We part and I lay you down on the ground. My tears splash your face as you look up at me. I no longer see fear in your eyes… only complacency. My whole life I hated being alone, and when I finally found you, I craved the loneliness I had left behind. At least when it was just me, I couldn't hurt someone I cared about. How can I justify these distorted feelings?

I slip my hand into yours and shudder when I feel how cold it is. A few minutes ago I wanted nothing more then to kill you in cold blood, and now I want nothing more then to just be with you. I look at the gaping wound in your stomach and I am wracked with guilt and hatred. But this time, it's myself that I hate. "Please, forgive me," I mumble. You smile and cup my cheek,

"I already have," you turn to the side and cough up blood. "Don't ever lose sight of who you are. I love you, Soi Fon," you look into my eyes and I can see that it's not a lie.

"I love you t-" your hand goes limp and your eyes grow distant.

"Yoruichi?" And now, I'm all alone…


End file.
